january 20 - february 18
Ruling planet: Uranus
Symbol: The Water Bearer
Ruling planet: Uranus
Symbol: The Water Bearer
Death Pursuit: To root out life’s mysteries, yourself being one of them
Secret Desire: To be unique and original, just like everybody else
There are those who blame the Dawn of the Dead on the Dawning of Aquarius, or maybe just that damned song by Marilyn McCoo. Both reveal the Aquarius’ drive to be first and yell out “Me, ME, ME!!” to get ahead in line so they get first pickin’s at the human buffet.
Hovering between brilliant and homicidal maniac, you want them on your side as you head into the great unknown; they can always find a parking place near the entrance. Known as the most philanthropical signs, they are generous to a fault. After pushing their way to the top spot, they usually save you a seat, if nothing else than to make sure you hold their coat when they take off with someone cuter than you. Be sure to look for them skulking around charity sights, they like the taste of non-profits. It makes them feel like they are saving some poor blight before they eventually rip off an arm and eat it.
Zombie Aquarians come in two flavors: shy and retiring and so forceful you want to push them off a bridge to make them shut up. Both have freakish qualities so know what you are getting into before making the leap with either one.
- Coy and quiet: You may think you’re getting a bargain in the Aquarian. Lovely to look at or keep in a box under your bed, this type holds the mystery of the ages in their hands. Too bad they refuse to share it with anyone else, the bastards. Greedy to the point of wanting to behead them yourself, they like to play games with their relationship partners like, “Guess who is coming to dinner?” Then reveal your second grade classmates stuffed and mounted at the dinner table. She may think it is charming while the rest of the world gets creeped out. It’s fair to think of her as “unique.”
Shy Aquarians are seldom lonely, though they desperately want to be. Other Zombies are attracted to their plaintive wailing in a corner and being naturally curious, shuffle over to see what is the matter – or give them a good swipe to the head to make them shut the Hell up. It is this melancholy aspect of their personalities that make them seem like they need a protector. Do not be fooled, this is a brilliant way of luring in supper.
- Loud and boisterous: These Zombies are the showboats of the Zodiac though not as annoying as Leos. Aquarians like to show off their mental prowess so let them whip out a calculator at parties and show the guests how to type in BOOGER upside down. They tell themselves it goes over well with the ladies. Though neither of the Aquarian types makes friends easily due to very poor hygiene, they do attract a small group of people that wander around behind them to see what stupid shit they do next.
Aquarians are thought of as “special” as in “aren’t they spechul.” Not a label many take to willingly but they eventually agree when pressed. Some do well fitting into this mold, they revel in changing their names to off-the-wall things like “AstroBlosSom” and “Jeff.”
Sometimes seen as a desperate cry for attention, these Zombies have terrible skills at hacky sack and will most likely abuse henna hand painting, thinking it is still cool.
Another Air sign, this latecomer to the Zombie Zodiac feels like its gasping for oxygen most of the time. It is kind of funny to watch since the lungs are the first things to rot but it’s entertaining to see them try to smoke a cigarette when they can’t take a drag. Help them feel at home by bringing an oxygen tank as a sweet gift. They love the little mask thing; it makes them feel “spechul.” Leave them a note reminding them not to smoke around the oxygen tank, many a Zombie has forgotten this safety tip and been blown to disgusting bits.
february 19 - march 20
Ruling planet: Neptune
Symbol: Half rotted fish. Mmmm, making me hungry!
Death Pursuit: To find other Zombies without looking desperate and a total geek
Secret Desire: To play Dungeons and Dragons for hours before their mom finds out and sends them to bed
Symbolized by two fish swimming in opposite directions, you will find the Undead Piscean in a similar fate. They never know which way is ass up. Just when you think you have them pinned down, they will invariably turn around and kick you in the nuts so be cautious when you approach them with anything but chocolate and tequila. The most mutable sign in the Zombie zodiac, it also means they are the least stable and tend to be flaky. Naturally bipolar, the Piscean Zombie usually can’t tell the difference between what’s good for them and what’s not – like tasty and delicious pickled eyeballs versus homemade fire works. It is up to you to guide them through the battlefield we call love.
As the oldest sign in the zodiac, they think they have it all figured out so be ready for a lecture on why they are better than you. Bring earplugs. They are not doing it to be total douche bags; they sincerely believe you give a crap about how awesome they are in comparison to you. Most likely, your star sign has the attention span of a midget at a short skirt convention for long legged models so don’t get too uppity. They love to hear themselves talk so bring a voice recorder and save time. They probably won’t notice you have wandered off.
Zombie Pisceans are emotional beings. What feelings they thought had died long ago in a horrible industrial accident may well escape in long drawn out tirades on how Jerry Falwell thought Tinky Winky of the TeleTubbies was gay all along when we all know he was just a cross dresser. Pisceans can relate on a deeper level than most of the other signs, they really know what you are going though when you want to toss yourself off a bridge because they discontinued carrying Pop Rocks at your local super market. This does not necessarily make them more in tune with you, it just makes them extra special creepy.
The Zombie Piscean is a unique creature. The two fish represent the true Zombie experience: life and death. As they chase each other around the circle they have been trapped in for eternity, so goes the Piscean. They can’ escape their doom even if they wanted to. This sort of endless cycle of rebirth creates a Zombie temper not seen in the other signs. With the Undead brain not working on all cylinders, the Pisceans usually forget what they are angry about and wander off, only to return pissed off that they left mid-meal and some one has taken over. They love to pick fights because they can’t remember it was their own fault in the first place.
Pisceans love to play games. It makes them feel clever so stock up on mind benders, it will take them hours to get through one Suduku, and enjoy the floorshow. While they love a challenge, they never give in without a fight even if it is against themselves. Their dual personality allows bystanders to experience a true bipolar incident with each arm taking a punch on the other. Group games may get dangerous so be wary of any thing having to do with Pictionary. While alive they may have excelled in drawing, now as a clumsy half-dead thing they can usually only draw a pencil smudge for everything and get abnormally upset when their dates don't get “Walking the dog.”