gemini and cancer

may 21 - june 20

Element: Air
Ruling planet: Mercury
Symbol: The Twins
Death Pursuit: To explore a little bit of everything then eat it
Secret Desire: To lead the next carnage – looking fabulous, of course

What was that blur?  That, my friend, was the Gemini Zombie whipping past you and wondering why the Hell you haven’t caught up yet.  Geminis are known for being lightning fast - that didn’t change after the Zombie horde took over - in wit, charm and being extra speedy in their love affairs.  A Gemini Zombie girl can go through men like water so if you want to keep her around, make yourself indispensable: act smart.  She can’t resist a smart man; it will stop her dead in her tracks.  (Get it?)  Though death may have slowed the Gemini chatterbox down due to a rotting tongue, they will never be out for long.  A Gemini was born to communicate so anything not said verbally would be either written down, smoke signaled or acted out in a bad game of Pictionary.  Brace yourself.

How do you keep up with such a whirlwind?  Dangle a Day Planner in her face and it may make her stumble. She is always on the quest for organization, if nothing more than to keep her busy schedule close at hand.  A voice recorder makes a perfect gift for this Zombie girl; she loves to hear herself talk though it may only sound like a series of groans and mumbles.  

By now, her brain may not have the memory clicks it used to so write your name down ahead of time in the Planner.  When she checks that day, you will always be at the top of the list of things “to do.”  She will appreciate your thoughtfulness though it is unlikely she will remember to do the same for you.  This Air sign can make your life as light as the breeze and as stormy as a tornado so don’t turn your back on her during a human ambush, she may get a little too enthusiastic and take out your liver by mistake.

Adventurous in the bedroom, you can count on a Gemini Zombie to introduce new and exciting games into your love life.  If you don’t mind dressing up as Princess Leia and the Storm trooper, you two may make it to next week – a lifetime in Gemini standards, living or dead.  Mysterious and always curious, Geminis bring the fun in funeral so get out there and get crazy!

june 21 - july 22

Element: Water
Ruling planet: The Moon
Symbol: The Crab
Death Pursuit: Stalking old lovers and making them pay
Secret Desire: To follow you to the ends of the Earth or until they dissolve.  Whichever comes first.

Usually a drowning victim, Cancer Undead are the first to welcome you into their home, and then refuse to let you leave.  Abnormally addicted to making any relationship work, no matter how dead it seems, they have no problem following you into the afterlife to make your time there a living Hell as well.  This water sign of the Zombie Zodiac is a weepy reminder of why you hung yourself in the first place.  Too bad they decided to tag along.

Ruled by the Moon, Cancers can’t help themselves when emotions take over.  Moody, self-loathing and stalkerish, they are at once the most reviled sign in the Zodiac and the most enigmatic.  It’s like watching a train wreck; you can’t take your eyes away from the messes they get themselves into.  They will never admit to loving drama yet they create it like birthing dogs in a puppy mill.  If you are interested in a Cancer, be aware they he will already have your photograph shellacked to a wall along with his past loves and a mini-shrine is in the works from eBay.  It is hard for Undead Cancers to say goodbye, so don’t be alarmed if they kept body parts of those they couldn’t bear to leave behind when they broke up.