aries and taurus

march 21 - april 19

Element: Fire
Ruling planet: Mars
Symbol: The Ram
Death Pursuit: To chase down and kill whatever gets in your way
Secret Desire: Total domination of the Earth and a nice nap afterwards

As one of the strongest male-dominated signs in astrology, the Undead Aries man put the arrrrrrrrgh back in romance by being the sexy aggressor. Being such a competitive and fast thinker, you need to slow down a little bit to help your mate catch up.  She can only stumble behind you so quickly as you scale walls in your pursuit of showing off.  No moss grows on you - at least not much - the Aries Zombie is quick to pull away from most romantic entanglements that require more than a quick shag in a corner.  To wrangle that bad boy personality, take the time to slow down and appreciate the velvety goodness of a cupcake with your new partner.  Be careful of being too trusting, however, many an Aries Zombie has been tricked into falling into a pit only to be beheaded by small children who looked tasty.  If they look too good to be true, they probably have a chainsaw hidden behind their back.

Physically strong due to rigorous Zombie training after their reawakening, the Aries half-dead attracts flies due to its strong smell.  Hygiene, always a problem for the Undead, can be especially challenging for you.  Wear an extra dose of men or women’s cologne before heading out for the night.  Make sure it’s not kerosene based so if you do stumble upon Zombie hunters, it won’t be as easy for them to light you on fire.

Aries Undead women are strong, clever and ambitious.  Always the first to ravage a small village, their competitive nature leaves them no room for shying away from taking the initial bite into a skull so keep an eye out for fingers when dining with her, she is a mean one!  They hate to be tied down in any relationship so makes the perfect girlfriend, unless you like to tie things down.  She’s a great travel companion and will match you rend and tear on your victims, guaranteeing a good time.

Aries is part of the fire signs of the Zodiac making it unlucky for Zombies.  Avoid any show of flames while dating; you no longer move fast enough to extinguish the dangers of a burning love.

april 20 -  may 20

Element: Earth
Ruling planet: Venus
Symbol: The Bull
Death Pursuit: Having humans come to them, thereby not having to move off the couch
Secret Desire: To have fifteen different types of hot sauce that goes well with human.

Deliberate and thoughtful, the Zombie Taurus can be a quiet giant in the bedroom and a raving maniac at the Feeding Frenzy.  This sign of the Zombie Zodiac takes their time to scope out the best picks of meat before moving in for the kill.  A well thought out plan accompanies the Taurus in every aspect.  They can plan your party and deliver a speech on the best way to prepare delicate eyeballs in ginger sauce, as they love to cook.  Many Undead Taureans have the reputation of being aloof or snobbish, others simply don’t understand the depths these Zombies go to prepare themselves for a feast.  It’s no longer just necessary to feed – they need to plot out why they exist on this plane in the first place and how do they fit into the bigger picture of Zombie domination.  Don’t try to get a Taurus to open up about their feelings, they will most likely smash you in head and eat your brains instead.  Some things are just too deep to share.

A Zombie Taurean is a sensual beast.  An excellent lover, they will take the time to make sure everything is perfect before sharing it with you.  In fact, you may have a little trouble getting them to share anything with you as they love to wallow in their possessions.  Their tempers are legendary, when a Taurean gets their ass up, watch out!  Move the furniture and make an excuse to go see your mother until it passes.  They may be slow to build to anger but they are not depicted as bulls for nothing.  Toro! 

At times it will seem as if a Taurean stares off into space for a long period of time without saying a word.  This may be due to brain decay or they could be composing a love sonnet in your honor.  Hard to tell.  A well-placed kick can bring them back into your space as long as you learn to run fast before they wander off again.

A nature lover, plan your dates around being outdoors.  Bring your pet as she loves animals and nothing would delight her more than to play with a cherished pet, and then eat it.  Some things you just can’t control.  Visit a waterfall or take a hike in the woods.  As long as the Taurean can break out in poetic verse while not being observed by many, they are romantic souls and excellent undead companions.