november 22 - december 21
Ruling planet: Jupiter
Symbol: The Archer
Death Pursuit: To live the good life, one evil incarnate being at a time
Secret Desire: To make the world more cuddly. In an evil, eat-your-face kind of way
The freewheeling half-dead Sag will definitely keep you guessing. They can never stay in one place for long and have the tendency to wander off so get your passport ready to travel in search of this elusive lover. You can bet if a Zombie Sag has heard about a human community ripe for the picking, they will lumber over as fast as their stumpy little legs can carry them to be a part of the party.
One word sums up a Sag, and that one word is single minded determination. Yes, I know that’s three words, shut up. When they set their near-sighted sights on something or someone, not much can escape its path without a high-powered rifle. Some call it devotion while others may label it stalking. Depends on the attitude. You can count on a Sag to see a project due to fruition, making them an excellent choice to go in first if you suspect Zombie hunters on the other side of a doorway. Sags are not that bright and usually will not question your request for them to check out a poorly lit room in the back of the Guns-R-Us store, making them the perfect companion for late night Brain runs.
Sags may not make the longest lasting lovers, as they quickly forget why they arrived at any one destination but they are charming beasts that liven up any Zombie party. Don’t be too hurt if they flirt with the Zombie next to you, chances are they can’t remember who they showed up with and could use a reminder tag. Note: when headed to a party with your Sag friends, label them and yourself first with Sharpie so they can easily identify whom they are to go home with.
Don’t count on the Sag lover to be the king of tact. While witty and charming, they can also point out to your best friend that she would be more likely to attract a man if she did not attract so many flies. They honestly see nothing wrong with pointing out death’s little foibles so take them in hand early and go over the ground rules. No commenting on: moles, extra toes, bald spots or anything having to do with the Bush Administration since no one could understand that anyway and people just get pissed off thinking about Cheney and his guns. A bit too honest for their own good, they can alienate a park full of people before you get close enough to attack. Quietly suggest that you do the talking to get you past the bouncer at clubs or else you will never see the inside of the VIP room.
december 22 - january 19
Ruling planet: Saturn
Symbol: The Goat, not to eat just to identify with. You can tell a Cap by the 1980s crappy little goatee they wear trying to be awesome.
Death Pursuit: To have their daddy be proud of them, before they become lunch
Secret Desire: To figure out why everyone calls them “horny” then giggles uncontrollably
Capricornians are excellent goal setters, being organized and patient. They know how long it will take to eat through a Bar Mitzvah of three hundred and still make sure every one has a napkin or moist towelette. They can orchestrate a Feeding Frenzy in no time flat so keep them on speed dial for an impromptu dinner party of close friends and whatever body parts you have left in the fridge.
Although conservative in dress and manner in the business world, in a relationship, the Capricorn can let its hair down. Or anyone else’s hair if it’s still on a severed head by their bed or a cardboard box. A stable relationship frees the nimble goat to get its freak on and relax. Don’t be surprised if you find your once stoic Cap a wild man in the bedroom, they love to show off but only in private.
Tap into that exuberant side by introducing humor into your dates. They love to visit comedy clubs but often don’t get the joke until well after you have left and eaten the comics. You will be pleasantly surprised by an outburst of hoarse, guttural laughter coming from deep within. So deep, you can probably see their diaphragm working hard to make any sound. Zombies aren’t known for their crazy sense of humor but they are not immune to a tickle to the funny bone, especially if they can see it poking out of the skin.