july 23 - august 22
Element: Fire – though you are afraid of your own element now and seeking therapy
Ruling planet: The Sun
Symbol: The Lion
Death Pursuit: To consume Braaaainz
Secret Desire: To be cuddled. No. Wait. To crack skulls open with your mighty jaws. That’s it. Not the other one.
Undead Leos have a reason to roar; they are the most feared, egotistical, and bat shit crazy of all the star signs. These fun-loving Zombies will always be the first to lead the rampage so gear up if you are trying to keep up with them. They wait for no one, especially those who may fall behind due to rotting limbs. Conceited and vain, good luck trying to get them to stop for a damn minute while you snap your femur back into place, they have already secured a place in front of the television crews sent out like idiots to film the carnage. Leos are great to have on your side, however, they get the best seats with their natural charm and freakish ability to schmooze the crap out of the opposite sex so take advantage of their killer instincts and climb on stage with the band. They have your backstage pass already waiting.
Zombie Leos are excellent in relationships. Loyal and faithful, you only have to realize that they are loyal and faithful to their favorite person: themselves. You may come in a close second though. Gorgeous even while rotting away, Leos are great at parties, always willing to show off and make it enjoyable for others as well. They make wonderful best friends, even if they do tend to eat them later. Their best feature is their hair. If they have lost theirs due to Zombie hunter scalping, you can bet that the creative Leo has covered up his bald spot with some one else’s long locks.
Ending a relationship with an undead Leo is a snap. Once it is over, they don’t tend to look back, they are on to the next conquest. That makes it easy to tear up their photos and burn their belongings on the lawn without a twinge of guilt. It’s always nice to have an exit plan.
This star sign on the Zombie zodiac represents the Sun, meaning it completely expects the rest of the world to revolve around her so don’t be surprised if she takes your interest in stride, that’s what she’s been used to all of her life. Make sure to stroke her ego and you will get along fine or at least until the next time she sees a camera crew and pushes you in front of the bus because you’re in the frame.
august 23 - september 22
Ruling planet: Mercury
Symbol: The Virgin
Death Pursuit: To save the world, then destroy it themselves
Secret Desire: Chocolate covered toes dipped in hot sauce
The sweet Virgo Zombie will steal your heart, eat it and save whatever is left over in a Tupperware burp basket for later. Thought of as shy and retiring, this star sign masks her intention of beating the crap out of you for your innards with a gentle smile before she strikes. A caregiver in life, she makes up for lost time as she walks the half-dead road for eternity. This girl most likely was pushed around by former lovers at some point, and always came back for more. Now one of the Undead, you can count on her getting revenge by endless stalking and attacks on old boyfriends but if you’re into that, don’t say we didn’t warn you.
Create a bond with the lovely Virgo by commenting on her delicate beauty as she tears open a chest cavity, her eyes wild and mouth red with dripping entrails. She should be treated like a princess and if you’re smart, you will hand over the keys to your heart before she takes it herself in a frenzy of extreme proportions. Many times she will be the one who supports the exuberant lover instead of taking the glory for herself so don’t be surprised if repressed memories create a monster and she takes out the graduating class at a local high school with her personal rendition of Carrie. Some things can’t be helped.
Virgos are excellent intuitive workers; they can actually feel when the time is right to strike. Most of your hippie Zombies will fall under this sign, making them fun to be around as long as you don’t piss them off right before they hug a tree.
Half-dead Virgos are one of the most creative signs in the Zombie Zodiac. Their depictions of mutilations and decapitation have made many a sensitive soul scream out in terror. Look for them at art gallery openings, usually lurking in the background and sniffing the cheese display. Wine is wasted on the Zombie palate so stick with a good cheap grape juice and they won’t know the difference.
The emotional Virgo can be a fountain of tears so don’t get her started on old relationships unless you have a tissue handy. If her tear ducts have welded shut after the desiccation process, get ready for a floor show as she can belt out a Zombie ballad like no other and have you beating the floor in misery along with her. Search her apartment for shrines, she is as bad as a Cancer for holding on too long to former lovers, though she often has them hanging up in a back bedroom stinking up the place. As she feels deeply or at least remembers what that weird urge in her belly was when she felt human love, she makes a fabulous companion for those creepy foreign films no one else wants to go with you to and will even bring along cookies if you ask her nicely.