september 23 - october 22
Element: Air, though with rotten lungs that may be asking for too much
Ruling planet: Venus
Symbol: The Scales
Death Pursuit: To keep on, keepin’ on
Secret Desire: To live an easy, uncomplicated life.
Easy-going Librans earn the Zombie Zodiac Flake-o-Meter Gold Seal with their laid-back attitude and desire to sit this one out, dude. Undead Librans can be counted on to fantasize about every other sign in the zodiac, creating unfulfilled and unrealistic Zombie dreams of castles filled with other Zombies yet cannot commit to the one standing right in front of them. Charming but still maintaining the aloof allure of the Zombie mystique, Librans have found their own Zen in the Undead culture. After trying to conform while they still had a pulse, now dead they can branch out and not worry about the standards forced upon them by humanity. They have found their inner peace while still being a great companion to share your human buffet.
It is difficult for Librans to say “no” when they can’t help themselves from saying “yes” constantly. This will help you tremendously in the dating arena, as they are almost always an easy lay. Too nice to tell you to bugger off, they will put up with your boring stories of the time you got totally wasted and caught on a fence post for thirty minutes until some one got you down. Don’t chance it too far, however, as they still possess the crazy Zombie strength that no one can really account for. You may lose whatever internal organs you still possess. Their quest while living was to find peace and harmony, that comes in direct conflict with what their disgusting rotted brain is now telling them to do so you may find her moody.
Along with this rampant irritability, the Libran Zombie can be a raving drama queen. Male or female, those with an Undead Libran bend to their crooked spine loves to spend eternity stressing out about how long you spoke to the cute bartender or if the woman you have stuffed in the freezer means more to you than she does. A quick karate chop to the head will help dispel these ideas but it may not cure her jealous rage for long. While exciting, it can wear on the relationship so practice setting boundaries. Barbed wire with mean devil hounds usually help.
october 23 - november 21
Ruling planet: Pluto
Symbol: The Scorpion
Death Pursuit: Zombie Survival of the Fittest or to get on a game show with fellow Zombie, Wink Martindale
Secret Desire: To squash all competition for Brainz
Passionate Scorpios are the Push me – Pull you of the Zombie Zodiac. At once attractive enough to tempt even the living, an Undead Scorpio can wreck havoc on a small town with just a Chuck Norris glare. Unable to make up their minds, Scorpios usually cannot decide whether to eat its human victim or play with it just a little bit longer. This division of the thought process happened way before their heart stopped beating, so don’t be too alarmed when it happens at TGIFridays and they can’t make up his mind over appetizers.
Love, power and an overwhelming desire to destroy make the Scorpio lover one to keep an eye on at all times. Don’t turn your back while he has his temper up, a Scorpio can and will lay waste to your car tires all the while smiling and saying they love you except for just this one little thing…
Scorpios can take you or leave you. Seriously. They can take you to the desert and abandon you without blinking an eye but you will, at least, mightily enjoy the ride. Known as one of the most sensual of the zodiac, half-dead Scorpios can make the dead rise. Literally. With their natural ability to suck the life out of everything they touch, they can make any date something to text your friends about later. If you can still walk. When two Scorpios get together, watch out. They blamed Chernobyl on a meltdown, we all knew it was the Zombie Scorps out there getting busy. Since you now have an inexhaustible supply of pent up anger and energy, you may be able to keep up with the sexy sign of the Zombie Zodiac but take your vitamins just in case.
Zombies and Scorpios have a lot in common. They both embody the rage present in society, neither conforms to the norm and they hold the keys to the ultimate mystery. Zombies return from the dead, their minds filled with horror and unspeakable acts of violence. They exist only to ravage and destroy the very fiber of goodness left in humanity’s slippery clutches. Scorpios, however, can be explained – they are perpetually horny.
The depth of a Zombie Scorpio is immense. Well, not really. After the groaning, stumbling and crazy road rage, and THEN you have the Zombie side kick in, these people are a kick in the ass. However, take heed of their deep side. They love to blather on about minutiae in Zombie lore so brush up on your Who’s Who of Hell’s Minions before getting into a conversation with them. While they love to win, they love to debate even more. Even if it is reduced to poking each other’s eyes out, they like to get their point across so buckle up, Sweetcheeks; you are in for the long haul.